LisaColl on Xanga

Coming between you and your boyfriend since 1982.	Doing so intentionally since sometime in 1987.

LisaColl
read my profile sign my guestbook Metro: Birthday: 1/20/1982 Gender: Female Interests: Stuff. Ask me if you want to. But if you do, you may shatter the fragile illusion that I'm cool. Expertise: Avoiding school work. Avoiding most responsibility at all, actually. Message: message me Member Since: 2/8/2004

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

	I've been inspired to leave. Enjoy the old posts.
	8:03 PM - 23 views - 6 eprops - 3 comments - email it

I'm kind of tired of seeing 264 visitors coming to my site, not leaving comments and knowing that most of the visitors are him.

Due to an unforeseen failure in my attempted happiness, I've created a list of Times When You Shouldn't Fucking Mess With Me Because I'm Really Stressed Out, Vulnerable And Hot. The list is as follows:

When I'm PMSing
When it's the week before finals
When I have three reports and a presentation due before noon
When I'm sleep deprived
When, in the past month, my sister has threatened suicide every other day
When all of the above are happening at once

Fucking with me at any of the above times doesn't make you considerate and worried about my future, it makes you a gaping asshole a la goatse.org. Yes, that's right Underage Lover, I called you a gaping asshole. Much like your asshole would be gaping right now if I could get at it with my vibrator or a billyclub or a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

Creating a website in dedication to your ex-but-probably-not-ex-anymore girlfriend just to make sure you drive the point home doesn't help me hate you. I hated you enough before that. That just proves that you're a liar, saying that there wasn't another girl and blah blah bullshit.

I'm finished with men. Really. I'm not even in a light-hearted enough mood to make a joke about lezzing out, which should be a sign to all the women to whom I've promised multiple-orgasm inducing oral sex.

I'm just done.

I'm going to get a 4.0 next quarter, I'm going to create lasting friendships, and since it's St. Patrick's Day and I accidentally wore a green sweater today because I'm anti-festive that way, I'm hoping to get crunk. I hope I vomit. I hope I get so inebriated that I vomit. Is that a bad thing?

P.S. A totally helpful bit of advice to the ex-girlfriend-but-maybe-not-an-ex-anymore: If he did it to you once, he'll do it again. Do yourself a favor and don't take the insecure douche back.

P.P.S. To a really sexy, smart version of me if I ever do give men a chance again: If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. In short, don't fucking bother.

7:13 PM - 32 views - 4 eprops - 2 comments - email it

Friday, March 17, 2006

	if i was richer, i'd be in your privates Yes whores and fans, it's true. If I was more wealthy, this entire flipping site would be protected. Of course, all of you would be invited to my privates too.
	11:54 AM - 15 views - 10 eprops - 4 comments - email it

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Dear Parents, Teachers, Babysitters, Older Siblings, and Bill Gates,

Man are you in for it now. For every promise you've made that starts with "When hell freezes over," prepare to pay up. It is snowing in Southern California. The seaweed on our beaches is covered in a thin layer of ice, one can see one's breath when exhaling too hard, and girls normally in short skirts and stilettos are trying to come up with new ways to sex up their look while wearing layers. (I, of course, do not subscribe to this train of thought since I'm brilliantly sexy no matter what I wear and I totally don't do layers.)

In less shocking news, Southern Californians in the area still don't know how to fucking drive unless it's ninety degrees and sunny.

Sincerely,
Totally Glad I'm The Youngest And Don't Owe Anyone Anything Due To This Meteorological Fiasco

8:49 AM - 3 views - 24 eprops - 14 comments - email it

Thursday, March 09, 2006

It's a 'girl survey'. I'm doing it because everyone should be able to witness my fantastic feminity at every possible opportunity. That, and because I got maybe five hours of sleep last night.

01. Eyeliner or mascara? Maybe it's Maybelline, maybe She's Naturally The Most Gorgeous Girl I've Ever Laid Eyes On. Who can tell?

02. American Eagle or Hollister? If I wanted overpriced preppy clothes I would buy Ralph Loren.

03. Skirts or Pants? You're just lucky I'm wearing something to cover my totally sexy lace boy shorts. I hear walking around with a constant boner gets really embarrassing. I've stopped noticing, since that's the condition of literally every man I come into contact with, even on my days off.

04. Socks or Leggings? Leggings? Hi, the 80's called. They want their pants back.

05. Hoodies or Jackets? Both. Or just a blanket and my barely-of-age lover; either way.

06. Heels or Sneakers? Porn star platforms.

07. Straight or Curly Hair? I'm basically the hottest woman alive no matter what hairstyle I'm rocking. Why exclude two totally viable options?

08. Hoop or Dangling Earrings? Which ever one will attract you to my scintillating earlobes.

09. Side bangs or one lengthed? Lengthened side bangs; I love me some compromise.

10. Your best color? I'm mainly a peachy-white which seems to be quite popular.

11. Victoria's Secret or Bath and Body Works? I'm forced to assume you're talking about smelly stuff, to which I would reply "I don't use it, and no, you can't bottle my natural odor. You can't handle the responsibility."

12. Smoothies or Lattes? Is it free?

13. Diet or Regular Sodas? a) Screw diet anything b) Ice tea

14. Water or Daiquiris? I'm always concerned about my water intake. There's water in daiquiris, right? In the ice or something? Yeah. I thought so.

15. Pearl or Diamonds? If its sparkly, so am I.

16. MaryKate or Ashley Olsen? What? Anorexia? Awesome.

17. This or That? This; I rarely get down with That.

18. iPod or Cell Phone? Yes.

19. Friends or Family? Friends who are closer and less psycho than family.

20. Lip Gloss or Chapstick? My breath smells of honey and my lips are shinier than glitter. I need neither.

21. Manicure or Pedicures? God. You have me confused with someone who gives a fuck.

22. Love or Peace? Wouldn't love bring peace? Or at least more passionate wars?

23. Sunglasses or Purses? Since I rock the librarian look, and sunglasses would mean I would have to remove my sexy and awesome glasses, I'll take a purse.

X what you have:
[x] an MP3 player (Have I used it? Nay.)
[x] tiffany's necklace (I borrowed and never returned a necklace from a Tiffany. That must count on some level.)
[x]computer (Does it work? Uh uh.)
[ ] a cd player (Got stolen out of my really sexy '94 Chevy Corsica three years ago.)
[ ] a stereo.
[ ] a spice girl cd
[ ] a Cosmo Girl magazine (Hi. I'm a woman. Nice to meet you.)
[ ] a teddy bear (Monkey?)
[ ] a build a bear. (Build Something Hideous That Will Make Me Barf, maybe.)
[ ] an Aeropostale purse.
[ ] a hot topic shirt.
[x] a cell phone.
[ ] an Aeropostale shirt.
[ ] the mean girls DVD.
[ ] a TV in my room.
[ ] a big bed.
[ ] diamond earrings
[ ] a pearl necklace
[ ] a prom dress
[x] a book
[x] a myspace (Tool. Of. The. Devil.)
[ ] perfume
[ ] g-unit sneakers (Are you freaking SERIOUS?!)
[x] a black shirt.
[x] abercrombie skirt (It says "Abercombie and Fitch" the "SUCKS" bleached conspicuously across my ample bosom was added later.)
[ ] converse (As in 'the ability to'?)
[x] diary or journal (Uhh. Xanga? Retards are asking about you again.)
[x] pink nail polish (I'm so ashamed.)

Girl Knowledge:

Do you know exactly where the blush goes? On the cheekbone towards the temple. Do I utilize my knowledge? The world may never know.

Would you say you know how to put on make up? Indeed. I've actually done it for photo shoots.

Do you know how to french braid? Yes, no thanks to my sister, who was too much of a bitch to teach me how.

Do you have a specific color of cover up or foundation you wear for your skin? Depends which shade of Hot I am at the time of purchase.

Do you wash your face at least once a day? Are there people who don't?

Do you know what kind of lip gloss can make your teeth whiter? Blue-based tones. DUH.

Do you use an eyelash curler? Only as a mid evil torture device.

Do you use waterproof mascara? I don't think so. I also don't think I care enough to check. Yeah... I don't care enough to check. I'm sure.

How much do you pay for make up? However much my job on the corner gets me at night.

Does toothpaste really help acne? As if I've ever had a blemish in my life.

A few notes for people in my life today:

Dear Parents With Five Kids Under The Age Of Eight,

I have a couple of suggestions for you. My first one is don't let your two year old daughter eat the plastic grapes. Not only will it be hell for you to clean her diaper afterwards, but I'll have to explain to my boss where the aforementioned orbs of green plastic went. I don't agree with The Plastic Fruit Movement, but that's because I have an excellent cookie and the sweetest batter around.

Also, look into birth control. It's a new thing you may not have heard of, but I hear it works wonders. I'm a virgin and waiting for my Immaculate Conception, which I'm sure will be arriving any day, courtesy of Cupid and The Easter Bunny.

Sincerely,

Your Totally Helpful, Stunning Sales Representative

Dear Thriftster Who Bought The $24 Stained Bible Cover,

If you're interested in overpriced pieces of ugly cloth, I have a couple of sweat-stained t-shirts from the early nineties that you might be interested in. They're on sale for the bargain price of only $108 each, and since they're stained with my sweat and spaghetti sauce you know it's worth it. I'll even supply a certificate of authenticity. In the past these t-shirts have been used to catch ejaculate and paint works of artful masters a la da Vinci or That Other Gay Guy Who's Name Escapes Me Because I'm Really Beautiful And Tired.

Sincerely,

Always Looking Out For The Team

Dear Friend Who Had Me Take Her To Surgery At Five This Morning, Leaving Me With Four Hours Of Sleep And A Cranky Attitude Even After Three Cups Of Coffee,

You owe me so much. SO MUCH.

Always,

YOU OWE ME SO MUCH

5:02 PM - 18 views - 10 eprops - 6 comments - email it

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if i was richer, i'd be in your privates